My mind clearer now after a passing heatwave kept me tossing and turning, awake for nights, I find I am in limbo land in many aspects of my life that had felt so solid and steady. Like a boat tossed around in an unexpected storm, I'm at a period of my life where suddenly I am challenged to question many of my assumptions and desires for security and safety, and feel powerful impulses to throw off habitual complacency and comfort, for risk, freedom and even the temptation of abandon. I have known many people who have experienced similar impulses around this age, though I have tended to hear more men, than women, open about these changes.
After living my twenties seeking out opportunity and adventure through work and travel, and my thirties largely focused on career, my forties have involved some sobering and important commitments to family and a child, but at the same time, a rekindling and recognition of childhood dreams, talents and aspirations, and feeling increasing responsibility to helping others and sharing what I've learned. As my daughter's demands lessen with her age, I have been working to recognize my needs to integrate my authentic self with the world I live in. The past year has me facing all parts of myself, shadow, courage, passion, fire, and love, and feeling that time is not unlimited, and my call to live authentically, is urgent.
Sorry if this sounds dramatic, but it is dramatic to experience. Life, in the best of circumstances, is very hard. We live in constantly shifting ground- this is the truth- change is the only sure thing, but we are constantly struggling for a certain level of security, safety, love, while yearning to live passionately, truthfully and at our best, with integrity, despite the realities of our complicated, messy, selves. We may work hard for social status and stability, but having achieved it, we may have outgrown or sacrificed very important truths about ourselves in the process. We are not fixed entities, we are meant to grow and evolve, to learn, to suffer, have heartbreak, to give, nurture, and to leave the world a better place in the process. How we go about that, is up to us.
I continue to make art, though in truth have been very discouraged by the political climate in my country this past year. For the arts it is both devastating, and presents an opportunity, which I am still figuring out. I am still processing what this means for the commitment I have made as an artist engaged in my community. Having worked in a very status oriented industry in my 30s, selling high end fine arts, I have sacrificed the comforts and social currency of one field to now pursue my own vision, at the risk of whatever may, or may not result.
I continue to work on landscape art based on my trip to St Thomas, and am starting to organize myself for my residency coming up to Italy. I greatly appreciate everyone who has and continues to support me and my art.